The Perfect Boyfriend
by Blue-Inked Frost
Summary: Two Evil Wizards, the canon love interest, and Tiax comment upon who makes for the best boyfriend...compared to the sparkly vampire Edward Cullen and a supposedly normal bloke. Parody, one shot.


This originated from reading the sporking journal Das Sporking, from a post by Lisaerin: community .livejournal das_sporking / 136344. html. The original is a list comparing the Insultingly Normal Heterosexual Gentleman to St. Edward Cullen of the Incomparably Laughable Sparkle with the intent of explaining why the latter is a co-dependent stalk...I mean, more perfecter than mortal boys.

_Summary: _Two Evil Wizards, the canon love interest, and Tiax comment upon who makes for the best boyfriend...compared to the sparkly vampire Edward Cullen and a supposedly normal bloke. Parody, one shot.

_Disclaimer:_ Twilight definitely isn't mine, I haven't even read it outside sporkings. Baldur's Gate isn't mine, and neither are game quotes used. Insulting assumptions in the original material are also not mine.

—

A normal guy would say: "I love you Baby!"

_Edward Cullen_ would say: "You are my life now."

_Xzar_ would say: "If you die, I'll reanimate you."

_Edwin_ would say: "Of course you love me, I've left hundreds of concubines gasping under my erotic onslaught."

_Anomen_ would say: "Come to me. I shall remove my too-worn armour and I shall show you the love that I hold for you. All tenths of an inch of it." (Author apologises and disclaims a liking for Anomen.)

_Tiax_ would say: "Thou shalt be the chief concubine of Tiax, for Cyric has destined it to be so!"

—

A normal guy would say: "I think am falling for you."

_Edward Cullen_ would say: "The Lion fell in Love with the Lamb."

_Xzar_ would say: "I like the shape of your skull."

_Edwin_ would say: "Your company is refreshing but I am surprised I find it so. Also, I am a pervy halfling fancier."

_Anomen_ would say: "Since my mother's death, my father has been the force against which I have always struggled to prove myself...an invisible cancer which I cannot vanquish."

_Tiax_ would say: "Tiax is impressed with your conduct! You are worthy to sit at the feet of the great Tiax after his ascension!"

—

A normal guy would say: "Your hair looks like a haystack...go brush it!"

_Edward Cullen_ would say: "Your hair looks like haystack...but I like it."

_Xzar_ would say: "Did you know that hair doesn't really grow after death, it only looks that way because the skin of the scalp dries and recedes?"

_Edwin_ would say: "You appear the chimp you are, go pluck some fleas and groom yourself."

_Anomen_ would say: "You are a dark flame, my lady, that I am drawn to almost against my will."

_Tiax_ would say: "Your hair looks like a soggy monkey-spanker! When Tiax rules, Tiax will have a thousand beauticians upon call to aid you!"

—

A normal guy would pick a random song from a random artist and dedicate it to you.

_Edward Cullen_ would sing you a song he wrote for you while playing the piano.

_Xzar_ would animate you a zombie barbershop quartet. It's the thought that counts.

_Edwin_ would employ a bard to write a song dedicated to his life and achievements.

_Anomen_ would write you poetry about crimson rhodelias.

_Tiax_ will include you in at least one of the hymns to his greatness when he rules.

—

If you died a normal guy would find another.

If you died _Edward Cullen_ would kill himself 'cause life without you isn't worth living.

If you died _Xzar_ could fix that.

If you died _Edwin_ would hire a three-gold prostitute.

If you died _Anomen_ would die a virgin.

If you died _Tiax_ would blast you for escaping the inevitable rule of Tiax.

—

As you left the house a normal guy would say: "Bye...See ya!"

As you left the house _Edward Cullen_ would say: "Come back to me, love."

As you left the house _Xzar_ would say: "You have proven unsympathetic to my interests and I look forward to eventually owning a charming little ashtray made from your skull."

As you left the house _Edwin_ would say: "You would cast me aside yet again? Do not press me further!"

As you left the house _Anomen_ would say: "Let us continue on our journey, my lady."

As you left the house _Tiax_ would say: "Do as ye will, but 'tis for naught! Tiax must rule!"

—

As you come back to the house a normal guy would be watching TV and wouldn't even notice.

As you come back to the house _Edward Cullen_ would be welcoming you by playing the piano with a song just for you.

As you come back to the house _Xzar_ would be performing necromantic experiments and...all right, wouldn't even notice.

As you come back to the house _Edwin_ would be welcoming you by hiding the three-gold prostitute in the wardrobe.

As you come back to the house _Anomen_ would be welcoming you by asking for advice on how to live his life.

As you come back to the house _Tiax_ would explain how it was all part of Cyric's plan for him to rule.

—

A normal guy would wait for you to make him breakfast.

_Edward Cullen_ would make you breakfast everyday.

_Xzar_ would make you breakfast but you wouldn't want to ask what went into it.

_Edwin_ thinks that's what owning slaves is for.

_Anomen_ would make you healthy and tasteless porridge for breakfast. Bacon is an indulgent sin under Helm.

_Tiax_ would let you make him breakfast and claim that it was his favour to you for his rulership.

—

While you were both out for dinner a normal guy wouldn't keep his eyes off the sexy waitress.

_Edward Cullen_ wouldn't even notice the waitress was a female.

_Xzar_ would notice that the waitress would make a good animated corpse.

_Edwina_ would remember being a sexy waitress.

_Anomen_ would condemn the waitress for working in a cesspool of corruption.

_Tiax_ would give the waitress some helpful witnessing tracts on the truth of Cyric and the inevitability of his rule. See them for yourself at chick . com!

—

A normal guy while driving would keep one hand on the wheel and one hand on the radio.

_Edward Cullen_ while driving would keep one hand on the wheel and the other attached to yours.

_Xzar_ while driving would keep two hands on the wheel and two hands attached to yours. It's up to you which two.

_Edwin_ would think that's what chauffeur slaves are for, again.

_Anomen_ while driving would keep both hands on the wheel and remind you to put a seatbelt on because it's the law.

_Tiax_ while driving would follow the route that Cyric outlined to him. Even if it appeared to be directly off a cliff.

—

While far apart in different places a normal guy would say: "I miss you."

While far apart in different places _Edward Cullen_ would say: "It's like you have taken half of myself with you."

While far apart in different places _Xzar_ would say: "Would you like to take half of my favourite zombie with you?"

While far apart in different places _Edwin_ would say: "I will wait here, but I am not a patient man."

While far apart in different places _Anomen_ would say: "We have done well together, and I should like to rejoin when you change your mind."

While far apart in different places _Tiax_ would say: "You shall, of course, meet the Great Tiax again, at which point I will make my grand ascension and appoint you to your rightful place as chief concubine and whipper of the slaves and faithless."

—

A normal guy wouldn't care or notice if you had nightmares.

_Edward Cullen_ would sing until your nightmares went away.

_Xzar_...probably has nightmares himself. :( It's not easy being a mad Zhent!

_Edwin_ would magic a pillow over your head if you had nightmares.

_Anomen_ would tell you about his father issues if you had nightmares.

_Tiax_ would be happy to give you nightmares.

—

A normal guy does it with everyone.

_Edward Cullen_ only does it with one.

_Xzar_ does it with...oh, you knew there was going to be a necrophilia joke somewhere.

_Edwin_ does it with gasping concubines.

_Anomen_ only does it with female Bhaalspawn who tell him what to do.

The great _Tiax_ will have hundreds...nay, the great Tiax will have THOUSANDS...of wives and concubines, each, to do it with when he rules.

—

A normal guy buys you flowers and chocolates.

_Edward Cullen_ buys you a car.

_Xzar_ makes you undead abominations he reanimated all by himself.

_Edwin_ buys you a golden statue of himself.

_Anomen_ buys you flowers and armour polish.

_Tiax_ buys you a shiny new Maztica when he rules.

—

A normal guy can help a normal girl to stake a vampire pestering them.

_Edward Cullen_ doesn't like being staked.

_Xzar_ can cast Control Undead.

_Edward Cullen_ doesn't like being an undead minion to an insane necromancer.

_Edwin_ can cast Fireball. Twenty-eight times.

_Edward Cullen_ doesn't like being sparkly charcoal.

_Anomen_ can cast Turn Undead.

_Edward Cullen_ doesn't like instantly turning into sparkly dust.

_Tiax_ calls all creatures undead and otherwise to bow before the will of Tiax.

_Edward Cullen_ notices that Tiax is an evil cleric with Turn Undead.

—


End file.
